It hurts differently now. 

It hurts differently now. Five years ago my dad passed away so suddenly a blink seemed like a lifetime. It was a wretched pain. It tore me apart from the inside out. My mind became dark and I became my worst enemy. It was a sick,  cold and churning  pain. I was on a knife edge, so close I saw stars. 

But today it hurts differently. It’s like a permanent bruise. Days like this prod at it, causing a dull ache, but it’s soft and the pain dissipates. 

Strangely, I feel sad when I’m at my happiest.

I want my dad to meet my partner, the most amazing man with unbelievable patience and kindness. I want to see them both laugh together as they are the only two people who have ever understood my humour. 

I want my dad to hear my work stories. My ridiculous office and workplace shenanigans. My colleagues, my programmes, my friends, my mundane day to day life. I want him to be proud of how well I’m doing there and how hard I work. He never cared about the outcome as long as I learnt something, tried my best, and was happy. 

And I’m sad for the simple reason this can’t happen. But surrounded by all these people with love and care in their hearts, it would be heartless, wasteful and impossible to stay sad for too long. 

On days like this I reflect.

I miss him. He was unfairly taken far too young, too sudden, but I’m older now too and no longer get want to war with the world because of it. 

I miss him. But when it gets to the point I’m missing my life because of it, I stand up and get out. He’d not want my life to slow. He always wanted me to put my all into it. 

On days like this I’m sad. But it hurts differently now. 
LJ 22 1 62- 30 7 12

Reflecting on university, work, attitude and life.

Having started university again recently, I’m a second year, I have noticed my opinions have changed a lot since freshers.

Firstly, I have become a lot more focused. I’m very aware that I’m just over a third through my degree. This scares me. I’ll quite frankly admit this. University is like a little bubble where, mostly, everything is okay and we don’t need to think about the outside world. However,  if I want to get the career that I want, I have to work for it. No one is going to hand me a career. No one is going to knock on my door and say “hey, want to write something for me? I’ll give you money? ”
I have started thinking of my plans further on from my degree. I know what I want to do for the next five years. I know how I am going to mold my degree into something that I can use, something that is helpful and useful to me. I’ve sat down and been frank with myself and told myself my shortcomings and thought about how to fix them.

Secondly, I have noticed this attitude is not common. I only know a few people on my course who are adamant and focused and luckily I’m friends with those ones. I love them. They understand why I’ll stay up all night to get one sentence just a little bit clearer. They see the fun in success and learning. Some don’t. Quite frankly some people don’t care AT ALL. It irritates me because I want everyone to love their course and be as enthusiastic as me. Because let me tell you, when you pick the right course and you’re with the right people IT IS BRILLIANT. I want to shake some people and let them know that the world doesn’t owe them anything and they have to grab what they want and never let go.

Thirdly, it is really hard to organise personal life and your job and university. Since getting a job copy writing, I have earnt so much more respect for working people. I don’t know how you do it. I need at least five more hours in my day.

Fourthly, living with people is really hard. People are hard work. Things change and people change and I’ve learnt that there are times I have to let people go. Letting someone go is not giving up on them, not at all, it is prioritising your happiness and sometimes sanity.
There have been quite a few arguments between friends recently and although they didn’t involve me I felt the ripples from them. I so wanted to charge in and fix everything like I usually try to. However I have learnt not everything fixes itself. I have grown up and realised I can’t fix everything no matter how much. I have to be an adult and let everyone else be an adult and work it out for themselves. My job now? Just be there when they need it. Be that person who is always in their corner.

Lastly, I now know grief lasts. Its a dark place and if it takes hold then you’ll feel alone no matter who is there. I am still learning how to trust people properly and open up. Although this is hard, I’m lucky that I have friends there just waiting for when I’m ready to talk.

I have reflected so much I know some things now to be true. Here they are.

I am lucky. I have great friends. I am determined. I am cynical. I am forgiving. I am insecure. I am in mourning. I am sarcastic. I am giggley. I am hard working. I am silly. I am a worrier. I am a fighter. I am a friend. I am me. I now know who I am.

Dearest readers who have stayed with me during this year and you new ones who have just joined the ride…
I’m Kimberly.