You my dearest readers put up with a lot of my rants no matter how nonsensical they may be. I appreciate this. Recently I have learnt another life lesson and I thought I would pass it on to you in thanks. You probably already know what I have just figured out, because you are all clever and lovely people, but you never know. This might help at least someone.
Recently I have found myself doubting a lot. Doubting my choices, doubting my ability, just doubting myself. I am a writer by trade and recently I have hated every single thing I have written. It is all rubbish. I have thought have I lost what little talent I had. I have also become less confident with people. Efforts to organise social events with people from my course have mostly ended with a lot of rejection. There is only so much you can take, you know? I have seen the anthology stress people out and I have now started doubting my ability to organise other people, calm them down and generally do what I do best. My health has not been that great recently either, I am going in and out of clinics and slowly think I am losing my mind.
Well. All of this was until I realised, it was doubt. Just doubt. I am not a confident person, I am quite insecure but I have always been confident in my abilities to get things done. So I reverted back to type and made a list. Everything that was getting on top of me, I listed down. I then wrote a second list of all the things I needed to do to fix these.
I got on with the high priority things. These included doing my edits for the anthology. I had been procrastinating and I didn’t want to do them. But I got them done and now it is up to the writer to get back to me. It is out of my hands.
I got some blog posts done and some presentations done and slowly, I found that I had had a really productive day. All because of a list.
I then looked at the harder things to fix. The confidence. The insecurity. The doubt.
Now that I had all of the practical things out of the way I could see a lot clearer. It was kind of like the opposite of when I was younger. When I was nine years old I was convinced I would never see the age ten. Not because I thought that something dreadful was going to happen or anything, it just seemed so far away and unimaginable that I could never see it happening, so I didn’t believe in it. The opposite is happening now. Everything is happening so quickly I feel like I am imploding. I am in my second year yet I have to think about the final project for third year. Then in turn thinking about the final project makes me think about my career when I haven’t even finished all my modules on the second year yet. It is getting ridiculous how quickly time goes.
I went back to my list. I found I could already cross off certain things. I realised that no I was not going mad and no I was not going to fail everything completely. I am far to organised for that. I then realised since I am trying to organise my internal emotions by listing things, then I am far too organised for my own good. And someone who is as organised as that should have no reason to doubt themselves. I will get everything done. I will get everything done to the best ability I possibly can.
I think I just needed an hour or two just to sit down and, almost revel in the doubting mood. I needed to embrace it to realise that I had no reason to, at least not at this point in my life. Yes everything is getting hectic, but you know what, it is more fun when it is hectic. More things are happening and I will meet more people and get more done and the trivial things like people not turning up to things, and getting bad critique will fade from my memory.
They seem important now, but I doubt they will in a few weeks. I think I will have found a new thing to worry about in a few weeks.
So dear readers, what is the lesson?
Just take time out of your life to sit back and think. Embrace the bad emotions. People tell you to get over things and pressure you to internalise things but you shouldn’t. If you are doubting yourself, let it out. Doubt yourself, but if you do, don;t forget to figure out why. My guess is by the time you figure out why you will have figured out that the reason is only in your head, like mine.
So, I am now looking forward to getting my coursework finished, the anthology published, getting better, getting the novel written, getting work experience and generally being happy. Just looking forward to things makes me happier, and knowing I have the support base that I do makes me feel safe and secure.
No more doubting, just writing. Good or bad.