Pick decent housemates:
Now, I’m assuming none of you would voluntarily share a house with a mass murderer. What I mean is, you have to understand what your are getting yourself into from the off. They say you only know someone well once you live with them. This is so so true. If you are a clean freak, you will go slowly insane if you share a house with someone who thinks it is okay to leave milk out rotting for days and never picks up their towels. You need to share with other clean freaks. And if you’re a slob, share with other slobs in your messy shitty hovels.
It is an okay thing to ask these questions before you sign the dotted line. In fact , it is encouraged. If that means you can’t share a house with your best friend in the entire world, then think of it as saving your friendship as one of you may end up turning into that mass murderer when the other doesn’t wash their pots and pans up.
If my door is closed, do not fucking barge in. To be honest, I don’t even want you to knock on the door. I need my own space. Fuck off.
Do not eat my special cheese.
Do not leave passive aggressive notes on the fridge door. You might be passive aggressive, I am just plain aggressive and will shove that note down your throat.
It is these sorts of things you have to agree on when you first move in. You can’t let people get away with doing things you don’t like because they will think it is okay and then it will become their habit and you will get more and more wound up and life will just get messy. People are very willing to give and take to begin with. Use this time to set what you expect.
I am not a people person, but I crave human interaction all the time. How does this work? I don’t know and the 19 years I have been on this planet have not enlightened me. However, what I do know is, even the most anti social person in the world can benefit from social bonding. It doesn’t have to be every day, but set aside time to spend with your housemates. You do live with them after all. You can watch films, play games, have a natter over a cuppa…
or just go to the fucking pub and get smashed.
There will be arguments. WILL BE. You will wake up wanting to wring someone’s neck. You might even smash a few mugs… not that I have ever done that. I suggest you use my technique to deal with this. If you are angry, get angry. Tell them. Sit the bastard down and sort it out.
“Bitch, you ate my special cheese. How could you? I hate you motherfucker, now I have no cheese!!! *smashes mug*”
“I’m sorry I ate your special cheese. I’ll buy you some more tonight.”
“That is an acceptable proposition. I forgive you!!!”
See. This works. If you don’t tell them you just hold grudges and eventually it will all spill out anyway. Just be honest. Don’t ever feel ashamed that you are angry or upset over something. They are your emotions and you have just as much right to express them and get back to your happy place as the other cheese eating sod.
Share the cooking, another chance for bonding, and you share the food bills.
Less money on food bills more on beer.
NOW FOR YOU!
I bet you think you are the most wonderful housemate ever, well dear one, you are not.
Here are some quick tips for keeping people from hating you.
1) Clean your shit up.
2) If you finish the loo roll, put a new one out.
3) No one wants to hear your music early in the morning.
4) Same goes for your favourite tv shows.
5) Don’t just sit in one place in the house at all times. Get up and do stuff. You are in the way you lazy shit.
6) Cook for others. It’s nice.
7) Always buy a round. Don’t be THAT friend.
8) Lend your things.
9) Help with the bags/ shopping/ washing.
10) Ask about their day.
Generally, just be a decent person and sometimes put a little more effort in (like buying a housewarming present for them, or washing their pots at the same time you wash yours) and people tend to repay in kind.